(Which has more syllables in it than I’d thought) is GORGEOUS. Go there now before the Ryan Air stag party flights find it and turn it into Prague.

This was a country visited by Alexander Macedonian, as they call him; the Romans, where they could get a foothold; and wonderful kings with names like Vakhtang Wolveshead. Lots of mountain Highlanders. In long black felt coats and tall black fur hats. With swords and watchtowers, and kidnapped brides and fortresses. Churches on peaks with hidden rooms to protect the relics from the Persians and the intermittently unfriendly Russians

But Tbilisi itself was conquered and ruled by the Persians for 100’s of years. And it still feels very Persian.

Very silk road. There are old hammam bath houses and caravan serai. There’s the ‘hay market’ where the camels were fed and the donkey bridges were across the river to carry the merchandise to the caravan serai to store.

A smaller caravan serai still in use, and original condition.

The Persians, like the Ottomans were very happy for anyone to practice their own religion, so long as they paid tax. So there were always a very mixed society. Armenians were the traders and business people. And lots of Jews – this was the second Jerusalem once – where they bought the cloak of Elijah. But when the Russians invaded the Persians burnt the city down (1800-ish) so there isn’t very much in the way of very old buildings other than a fortress on the hill behind and some churches. Most of the city is late 19^th C, but very elegant and sweet. With a sprinkling of wild, Eurovision song quest style new stuff.

The city runs both sides of a river and has an old part, with wooden, Ottoman looking buildings and a lovely late 19th century Belle Epoch area.

Tbilisi in the evening.

A lovely vignette of Ginger Catte, generic vehicle and incomprehensible alphabet (most similar to Ethiopian).

Armenians and Georgians have separate languages and separate alphabets and can’t talk to each other. Their languages aren’t even in the same group. Armenian is an indo-european language. And Georgian is unique, but has similarities to Ethiopian. They’re both very, very old Christian countries. And their food is similar. But that’s about it.

Georgia is as different to armenia as chalk to cheese. The countryside is hay stacks and fairy tales. And green and lush, in places. But very mountainous. Tbilisi is very modern. European. Busy. Bright. You wouldn’t be caught dead driving a Lada through the city here.

The north of Armenia looks like Mordor. Copper smelters, reactor chimneys, obsidian mines, hundreds of abandoned Soviet factories and industrial zones. The countryside is bleak and extreme. The roads are steep, rough and terrifying.

If you were making a James Bond style film and you needed a giant abandoned factory, or small town to blow up northern Armenia is the place to go.

Armenia has been so pillaged and ransacked there’s really nothing left. And then their huge earthquake/ the Russians leaving/ and then they declared war on Azerbaijan and were blockaded for years. They had no food except lake fish and potatoes. They had to cut down all the trees for fuel. Which contributes the overall effect of Mordor.

The Soviets weren’t big on religion so they shut down the monasteries and seminaries so a lot of them fell into disrepair (plus earthquakes, pillage, war etc) so its only this generation that they’re producing new monks to restock them. But the church is extremely important in Armenia so one day the churches will flourish again – but in a heavy, monolithic unadorned way. Its never going to flourish into anything beautiful or shiny.

There was a beautiful 11^thC working monastery on a mountain top that was particularly cool. The architecture is so weird. There’s no real Roman or European influence. A lot of it looks more like Indian or Cambodian temples. Which I guess is the Persian/Eastern influence here? I’m guessing.

I can’t use my favorite C Word in a post about a church, but that is what the switchback mountain road was like to try to get up here, in a bus with no air con. On roads not meant for a bus.

There’s a bowel clenching amount of dried fruit in Armenia, which must be marvelous when there’s 20ft of snow outside.

There is a lot of countryside. I was luckily in time to witness the potato harvest. Probably a big deal in the Armenian calendar. Small stone sand colored houses in a sand colored landscape. Everything bone dry and dusty and flat. Stork nests and nuclear reactor chimneys. And then valleys with fruit trees and vines. And luscious vegetables.

Pomegranate flavored everything in Armenia.

Butcher cutting up something that might be a horse? Unfortunately you can’t see the fag in his mouth.

A particularly nice roof top dinner with a lovely American guy who works for the Center for Disease Control – very Russian and pickley and vodka-y. The dinner, not the guy.

The Armenia Church is Apostolic, not Orthodox. And has a Catholicos not a Patriarch. One day I’ll get asked this in a pub quiz. For a culture that is so Mt Ararat obsessed they unsurprisingly believe themselves to be the descendants of a son of Noah.

The Catholicos is the head of the whole world wide Armenian Church. Like the Pope. And a I saw him which was pretty cool. He looks as much like a beardy wizard as you might imagine.

The main cathedral – the Armenian Vatican – Echmiadizin, is lovely and weird. Sitting in a huge complex of lovely weird things. A lot of trippy 60/70’s monuments representing different things about the genocide, donated by diaspora people. A lot of it looks like props from Lord of the Rings.

There are hundreds of noisy diaspora tourists with selfie sticks. In the church. During the service. So strange.

Most of the churches here look like the one Cersei blew up only much much smaller. And grey.

This is a new city, about 100 years old. Very planned and orderly. Here’s a view from a weird day-glo, roof top shisha bar. The city feels almost European. Wide avenues and plazas with fountains (and ugly statues), opera house, folk dancing theater, but then you notice all the Soviet apartment blocks. But it’s still Ottoman-ish. They eat shauarma instead of chawarma. Everything is with eggplant and cucumber.

Armenia is only 10% of the size it originally was. Turkey stole most of it, coupled with the genocide … And the Russians dicked them over. But there’s no evidence of long ago wealth or flourishing culture – for such a literate, cosmopolitan people. There have always been Armenians in every important city throughout history. They were the wealthy traders and benevolent philanthropists. And poets and artisans. They left all the beautiful civic buildings and town houses and mansions. But no evidence of any of that in Armenia. The conquerors that passed through over hundreds of years must have had a scorched earth policy.

This says ‘Cake Hole’ in Armenian. You don’t come to Armenia for the food. They do really good booze. When the Russians took control after WW1 they divided the different Soviet countries into production regions, so even though Armenians make great wine they had to make brandy and cognac, and vodka. And Georgia got to make all the wine. So that’s what they’re still famous for. The vodka is 100% fruit alcohol. Peach, apricot, plum. Its really good. Puts hair on your chest.

The food is similar to Lebanese or Turkish. Ottoman food. Every meal has cucumber salad, eggplant, bread and cheese. And then some sort of grilled meat or fish (farmed trout) dish. And then fruit and tiny sweet coffee. Very simple and lovely (and boring).

Really good local beer. Kilikia. Which makes me think of Samoan cricket games in Grey Lynn Park.

Beautiful cheese, and usually labneh. Sometimes a sort of wonton of stretchy mozzarella-ish stuffed with walnuts and herbs. These ladies are making lavosh bread in underground, kind of tandoori ovens.

This is some lovely grilled trout. A lot of fresh water farming here. And some bbq pork which was 90% fat – so absolutely perfect for me, especially washed down with vodka. Both served with potatoes. Because Russia. Although they do have cous cous/flat bread as well. I guess when there’s 20ft of snow in winter any carbs will do. And vodka at lunch time.

Beautiful herb salads. Dandelion. Sorrel. Basil. Parsley. Dill. Served with every meal. The green salad in the trio was a really interesting  – tarragon and feta-ish. Served with eggplant and cucumber. As per.

So much fruit. Gorgeous dried fruit everywhere. The little melons above the watermelons you apparently only buy because they make your house smell amazing. Like quinces maybe :).

They have leopards here. Yay. And lynx. (But closer to Iran). And 3 types of poisonous snakes, which I was warned were very common where I was and not to walk off paths or stand still for long. That’s a good incentive to keep walking. I walked (hiked?) up a very steep ravine, in 30+ degrees. I did not like it. To get to a Greek pagan temple called Garni.

But I saw lots of lovely cows and weird basalt rocks on the way. And no snakes.

The temple had some meh mosaics. and two million Iranian and Russian and Disaspora tourists. (Who bused in, didn’t hike in). All the ‘ruins’ and churches in Armenia have been very heavily reconstructed with US-diaspora money. Clinging to vestiges of a culture that’s been invaded, stormed and genocided by Persians , Mongols, Ottomans and anyone else passing through. Not to forget its a volcanic region (Mt Ararat, a perfect cone) so anything that hasn’t been blown up, pillaged or ransacked was earthquaked. So really there is fuck all in the way of actual ‘ruins’ but a rich history dating back to pre-bronze age – unlimited debris and fragments.

There’s an actual, important, authentic surviving monastery complex called Geghard- which was fascinating. Carved into the soft tufa rock. Similar to Cappadocia and St Emilion. Fabulous.

The scenery to the north is bleak and sun baked at the end of summer. Very dry and sparse. It reminded me of Otago in places.